On the radio

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

This is going to be hard to explain, so try and stay with me while I figure this out, yall.
I feel lost right now. I feel as if I've just sort of woken up in the middle of someone else's life. I have the feeling like all the things I've done up to this point in my life have just materialized rather than been of my own doing. I don't mean it in a bad way (I'm not schizophrenic, ahmdullallah*). I just mean that...I'm at one of those points in my life when it feels like everything I do feels like it's heavy with consequence and I keep second guessing myself, right when I need to be the most sure about things.

*This is one of my (few) favorite phrases from arabic. It means, "thanks be to god", and you can use it pretty much any time something good happens. Or if someone asks how you are, you can say "quoyes/a" (good) or "ahmdullallah" (at least I'm not dead, thanks be to god). I'm serious.

Ok, so to be honest, this whole thing came about because I started thinking about/facebooking/myspace-stalking people from my past. Ok, yes, ex-boyfriends but not exclusively. People that I used to be close to but just am not anymore. I know these aren't the people whose opinions I should base my life around but...it makes you think.

Honestly, I feel like I've lived my life without major regrets, and my big decisions have all been sound and turned out quite well thanksverymuch. Except that I would add to that one small exception...I can't shake the feeling that I've really hurt a few people.

I mean, ruthlessly and irreparably.

When I say that, I mean a few things. One, I don't mean it out of conceit, as if I actually have the power to ruin someone's life, even briefly. Two, I don't mean it to solicit pity or compliments or anything about how I really am a good person. If I didn't think I were a good person, I would have all kinds of issues (hmm...let's not get into that). I just think I also have the power to hurt people that I care about, just like everyone else.

I dunno...it's like I feel like I've always worked so hard to make a good impression on people (I've always cared way too much about what people think), even ones I hardly know, that the people I've actually managed to share a deep personal connection with really trusted me and I've let about 90% of them down in a pretty major way.

Like...with my old relationships. This is totally true for ex-boy's but also for friends too...It's like I fully devote myself to people, and want them to see me as like, I don't know, this great person or girlfriend or whatever, but not because I need that feedback (ok, partly) but honestly because I care about them and want them to feel loved. I know this sounds stupid but stay with me. So like I act like this great friend/girlfriend and we have this great connection but...then when when we drift apart or whatever and I decide to move on (yep, I'm always the one who decides to break up/move on first), the person acts major upset, like not just a typical break-up upset but like I've betrayed them on this deeper level. And I always thought this was because the people had some sort of dependency issue, but like what if it really is me, and I've totally betrayed the people whom I'd previously convinced to trust me under the pretense that I would never betray them? Is it seriously, seriously, seriously possible that I've hurt someone so much that they will never fully recover to their previous, trusting self? Is that even possible? There's no way I'm that capable. That's so egotistical I can't even handle it. And honestly I don't believe it, but...I mean who knows.

Ok so the other possibility is that things aren't as bad as I think. I mean, I mostly think this pertains to people I haven't spoken to in the last 5 years, so maybe my memory of things is just all skewed. Things are so much more dramatic in high school anyway, right? But seriously what if I pissed someone off and they become a serial killer because of it? You know how that sort of thing freaks me out.

I'm not sure what I'm getting at. I just rely too much on feedback from other people. Caring what they think and how they see me, and giving me positive reinforcement all the time. Maybe it's time I grow up past that. I mean, I thought I was getting better, but I think grad school is making me feel insecure again. It's so ridiculous. (All of this).

It's weird but I feel better now. I take back what I said about not knowing whose life this is. It's totally mine and I have to take care of it.

I guess I always thought that to take care of people you're supposed to give them exactly what they need. But people aren't plants. Relationships take work. And both people are supposed to work at it and one not just sit back and expect to be taken care of by the other. At least all my past relationships have taught me that. I am not a care-giver. And I'm terrible at taking care of plants. That should have been a clue.

Hmm. I should learn to express this stuff instead of letting it get bottled up and weird. I don't walk around thinking about myself all day, but I do worry what people think. And I really hate looking back over the bad break-ups and feeling responsible for all the shitty parts. And being blamed for them. I was there for the good parts, too, buddy -- why else would you be so sad? But we don't ever talk about those.

Sheesh. I'm sick of this :)

And on the radio
You hear November Rain
That solo's awful long
But it's a good refrain
You listen to it twice
'Cause the DJ is asleep
On the radio (oh oh oh)
On the radio