unproductive

Whenever I have a lot of stuff to do, I don't want to do any of it. Whenever I don't have anything to do, I make grandiose plans for all these things I want to do but aren't doing (and then of course never follow through). Where is my middle ground of productivity?

These are valuable questions that I probably should have investigated before enrolling in grad school.

Nonetheless, here we are. While I am not soaring above everyone's academic expectations, nor am I dredging along the depths of despair, either. At least not as far as I can tell. Ok, so my grades are NOT terrible, but not as high as I'd like. But it's not supposed to be about grades, right? It's about the pursuit of knowledge and the useful application of academia in search of something greater than what already exists. I'm supposed to be contributing to the world my thoughts and insights crafted from years of skillfully cultivated study. Or something.

Right?

Turns out, I have no clue what I'm doing here. Day-to-day, this doesn't bother me, it's only when I stop and look at the big picture progress that it worries me. Why do I love school so much, even though I'm only average at it? And why does being average really, really bother me on some days...and not at all on others? I know that to get anything out of this program I need to study harder. But studying harder feels sort of pointless if I don't know where it's all leading (Am I going to keep going to school? Am I going to stay in this field?). AND I know that me having an uncertain future only really bothers me because I'm not at the top of my class. (If I were, it wouldn't matter because I would have my pick of futures, in theory.)

I keep telling myself I haven't found my niche yet, and once I figure out what it is I really want to study, I'm going to buckle in and do it, and do it well. The problem is that it's starting to feel like a cop-out. Like I haven't settled on a subject yet because I know it will mean getting more serious. And if I'm having this aversion to working hard, maybe I shouldn't be in school. Or maybe I should get over it and do it, 'cause I know I'll feel better afterward, just like all unpleasant things in life.

I think my problem with school is the same problem I have with keeping to budgets, going to the gym, and doing this dishes. Something about discipline. Like, I totally have none. I keep thinking that being hyper-organized will make up for a lack of discipline, but hello, it totally doesn't. This probably also explains why I hate doing things that I don't want to do, or not doing what I want, when I want, all the time.

Sad, right?

But it's becoming painfully clear that if I want to get through school, and do it right, I need to make some changes. Nothing crazy, but things that I probably should have figured out a long time ago, and for whatever reason hadn't. Lame.

p.s. My birthday was awesome. Pictures to come.