midnight ramblings..

I can't sleep, I have a lot on my mind.

Basically...I don't know how I feel about anything going on in my life right now. Here are the main points that induce insomnia:

1. Seth and I had the not-ready-to-get-married talk...as in, neither of us is ready to be engaged/married any time soon (which is a good thing to agree on). But my question is (ok, first of all who says we should be? I did not bring this up...) and, well okay what does that mean for now? In a way him moving here was such a huge commitment that it almost made us move backward somehow, because it threw everything into new light. (Which also is good in a way, because it means slowing down and really thinking about things instead of taking them for granted). But it's still strange, and foreign-feeling. And it wouldn't even be a big deal except for...

2. I hate grad school and want to quit. I wish I could quit, like, tomorrow, because I swear I wouldn't even be sad. Actually, I think grad school is really great. I just think I've sort of lost my drive for it. And it's not something that I can just phone in because it's really hard. I love school but I think I'm burnt out (Finally) because my heart isn't in it anymore. And if my heart isn't in it, I'm wasting time and money. The only thing is I absolutely LOVE my advising job...my boss, the professional experience I'm getting, the students, ALL of it, and if I leave school now I won't get a job nearly that cool, possibly ever. Not to mention it's something I could see myself doing for the long-term. Plus it's funding my whole year, so I might as well stay and take classes and hope for the best. I sort of feel like it's a 5th year at centenary all over again, without the fun parties to distract from major senior-itis.

3. PLUS, I think it's really starting to freak me out how much things are changing. I feel so out of touch with the things that used to be important. It's not like I'm homesick, I just don't feel settled here yet. And having Seth here is great, but it sort of escalates our relationship to this whole other level that maybe I wasn't expecting (like I said above). (Not that we can't handle it, but I mean, clearly it puts extra pressure on things, which maybe isn't the ideal.) It's just been hard to switch my whole paradigm from the things I used to care about and spend time doing to one that includes NONE of those things. I think college totally spoiled me, and now that it's really over, I don't have anything to replace it (if I'm supposed to?) because I'm not a full-on adult yet (most definitely by choice).

Those are the bad things. These are the good things that I keep telling myself so I can suck it up and deal:
-I live in an amazing city that has so much to offer that whining is really an embarrassing waste of time. There are plenty of things that I could be doing that are productive and fun and fulfilling. Hello, that's why I moved here. I need to suck it up and deal.
-School is only as hard as I make it. If I just chill out and focus and stop acting like a baby it wouldn't be so hard. And I need to stop taking everything personally when I don't do really well, and not let it make me feel stupid. I'm not stupid..I mean, I got in, didn't I? I need to suck it up and deal.
-Seth is great, and he's working so hard at his new job. Note to self: He totally has a life outside of me. -And I know that if he decides tomorrow that we need to get married, it's just going to piss me off more... Trust me, this is better, even if it's scary. Because at least it's the right thing, and I know that. As long as we keep being honest with each other, we'll be fine. And I need to freaking be patient because he just moved here, and we just signed a lease...it's a lot to deal with. PLUS, our relationship is still growing and changing. I didn't really expect us to be exactly the same as we were while in college, did I? No, of course not. (For the record, I've noticed that people always talk about how they met, and how they are after they've been married/settled for years...but they always leave out that weird phase in between...maybe this is why..)
-If I was still in college, I would hate it. I mean, really. It was time to move on. And move out.
-I will see my friends again. Someday. Even if we never live in a creepy commune together.
-And the old standby.....things could ALWAYS be worse. (Yes, I was just reading articles in my magazine about women battling breast cancer...it made me feel about 2 inches tall) Even at my lowest points I know I still have a lot to be thankful for. Lord help me if I ever have to deal with a real, semi-serious event because I don't know if I could cope...unless analyzing the thing to death is an option because then I'm set. Gah.

This concludes the midnight ramblings. Now you know how my mind functions when I have neither work nor school to deal with...and am too poor to go shopping to deal with my funk..