It's been raining nonstop for about three days in a row, so I'm on Day 2 1/2 of a killer sinus infection. Something about the change in air pressure plus all the things falling out of the trees is making my allergies crazy. Wednesday night I met Meghan for sushi dinner (this new place on the Ave., SO amazing. I'm adding it to the visiting friends tour list), then to a lecture about Islam and sexuality, and we were only out for about 2 hours but by the time I got home I was dying.

Then Thursday morning I work up to a monsoon outside, and my face was so swollen and stuffy I couldn't breathe. But thanks to my new resolve to be a good student/worker, I went to work anyway, and toughed it out all day. Thankfully, it was slow, and I only had one or two appointments. Friday and Saturday I spent recovering, sleeping, blowing my nose non-stop, and not being able to smell, hear, or taste anything. Luckily, Seth was around to keep me company, and we watched 3/4 of season two of Dexter on DVD (sooooooooo awesome. Best show on television, possibly ever. Period. Add it to your netflix list or watch it illegally online. Now.).

Anyway...today I was tons better. I caught up on homework, finished a take home mid-term due tomorrow for my Religion in China class, and met with my group for a presentation in my Women Studies class. For the first time this quarter I feel like I'm finally finally finally on top of things (even though I'm still a little behind on reading), and it makes me feel 100% better about facing the rest of the quarter, which is going to be crazy crazy crazy.

Lately I started to realize just how much I need to buckle down if I'm going to bother being in school. Even though sleeping in feels awesome at the time, it always makes me feel like crap later. And, if I'm going to do this, I need to do it. No one is going to make me do it, or do it for me, or thank me for showing up and doing what I'm supposed to. And it's not this impossible, insurmountable task. Finishing my degree is totally within my power, and I'm the only thing keeping it from happening.

So. I've been really disciplined about school and work. I'm realizing that if I give myself an option of NOT doing something, I won't. So, slacking off isn't an option anymore. Period. Of course not every day is going to be easy, but you know what, it's not like I'm going to be doing this forever for the rest of my life. There's only about 4 weeks left in this quarter, and hopefully just two or three quarters left after that.

And you know what else, since he's gotten a job, seth has started to be a really big motivator for me. He wakes up every morning at 5:30 or so, and works every night until 6 or later, every day, at a job that isn't not all that fun. If he can man up and get a job and get stuff done, there's no reason I can't wake up at 7:00, walk four blocks to a job where I can drink coffee and chat on gmail all day, go to a few classes, and get home around 5:30. Of course, grad school is more than that, it's like 90% mental, and really hard to cope with lots of the time, and more than just showing up for class. But if I can just get my butt in gear to do the basics, maybe everything else will get easier. Which it is.

And of course there's this part of me that still feels, despite my best efforts, that I'm leaps and bounds BEHIND all the people I encounter at school. Granted that most of them are older (usually late twenties to early thirties) and have been in programs longer, but it makes me so aware of how far behind I am in my writing skills, and how bad I am at articulating my thoughts in a coherent way fast enough to speak up in discussions, and how little I've actually read in any given area that I'm supposed to be learning about. It's incredibly daunting, and I think that's where I let things intimidate me, and where I let things get off course last year.

Anyway, didn't mean to make this all about school. I love school. There's also still a part of me (maybe from my background, or whatever) that makes me feel like a huge slacker for being this far and not having a "real job." Even though my parents are 100% supportive, I just wish I had more to show for what I'm doing, like right now. And god bless seth for making money to feed himself.