stars go blue

For whatever reason, I'm really into horoscopes lately. I used to be really into them back in the day (like, high school. It coincided with my learning witchcraft and reading Tarot phase.) but gave it up when I dated the Christian fundamentalist and he gave me guilt trips about it. Then I never really got back into it, but secretly the first thing I observe about people is when their birthday is so I can know their sign and therefore feel like I have some kind of inside scoop on them. But lately I'm just reading about myself, and, as Jessica so adeptly pointed out, I probably like it because I'm so self-involved. ha ha ha. So so true.

Anyway, I got this great book (for free, with my campus bookstore rebate!) called Darkside Zodiac. Not only is it an amazing coffee table book (shiny! colorful!), it's got some really accurate stuff about me, and also it's really funny. It only tells you the "ugly" truth about all the signs (which is perfect for me, as a Cancer, since I'm a "paranoid pessimist", ha ha). My favorite is that it also gives each sign's "Bitch Rating." Here's mine:

Bitch Rating: B+
For someone who likes to present as the caring queen, you are a mistress of the snappy put-down (you sit at home in your shell, practicing). You usually spoil the effect by muttering your pearls of acid wit under your breath as the bitchee departs, and then groveling immediately.

Anyway, it also says that I hold grudges for life, and that people who cross me have to work extra hard to gain my trust back. And at first I was like, "that's not true, I'm awesome and forgiving and gracious"...then I realized that I can remember everything mean that anyone has ever done to me. I can't help it, it just sticks in my brain. I don't hold grudges forever, necessarily, but if someone does something mean to me once, it's going to be part of how I think about that person from then on. I internalize everything that happens to me and hurts me. Like, when people hurt me, instead of getting (just) angry at them, I always think it's because I did something to deserve it, and it bothers me for weeks, months, years, or as long as it takes for me to either (a) figure out what I did or (b) make peace with it and move one. UGH. It makes me feel totally pathetic. But mostly it makes me realize how much time I've probably wasted agonizing over people who probably don't think of me for like 1/3 as much time. And I need to realize that sometimes people just mess up, and hello, it doesn't have to always be about me. Ha ha. Anyway it's also supposed to translate into some sort of empathy that also makes me an awesome friend/girl-friend. So there. :P