Can't believe it's Monday again. So unacceptable.
I kept a low profile this weekend...recovering from last week took a lot out of me. I stayed in all weekend doing minimal homework and maximum tv watching. I didn't do nearly everything I needed to, and I think that's starting to wear on me psychologically. Knowing that no matter what I'll never get everything done is bad for my psyche somehow, I'm sure of it. At the least it gives me more of an excuse to watch tv...
I'm sort of going through a defeatist attitude about school right now. I feel like being here is the right thing, but I don't enjoy doing school all day every day, and I hate knowing that if I don't work really hard, right now, I won't do well. Bleh!
Weirdly, I get homesick sometimes for the most random things, like things I haven't done or thought about in years. Like these random moments in time. Mostly I miss people and...can you be nostalgic for a state of mind? I miss feeling how I used to feel, but especially the way that I wasn't aware that I was feeling a certain way. The idea that I was living in the moment, when I used to analyze things so much, if you can believe such a thing.
But I like feeling like I'm growing up, too. I mean, you can't be 20 or 21 forever, right?
Has anyone seen Valerie Bertinelli in the new Jenny Craig commercials? She looks amazing!! I want to look like her when I have kids. Or now. She looks so young and cute. Maybe I should Jenny Craig.
My degree is going to be so useless. Maybe I should drop out and go to nursing school or something. I'm tired of thinking about religion all the time. There aren't any real answers anyway...it's like working on a math problem and always coming out with a number that's half the size as the one before...and numbers go on forever. Religion feels that way to me, too. That used to be what I liked about it -- the infinteness of it and seeing through the finiteness of humanity. It's not like I ever expected to reach any conclusions about any of it, but everyone else here seems to be doing that. I feel like the longer I look at things, the more convoluted they get. But then there's the part of me that there isn't anything else I would rather be doing. And I know that the best thing is to stick with this and see it through, even if it doesn't make any sense yet.
Sometimes I think I'm bigger than the sound.
3 comments:
I feel the same way about digital media.
I'm so glad that you told me you were posting here! I'm glad I get to keep in touch with your life via the Internet again.
saratoga -- I love that I can't think about digital media without thinking about you (and usually vice-versa). I think I haven't bonded that way with religion, nor have I fully committed to the idea that I want to.. I feel like I don't have the kind of commitment as people around me.
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