atrophy

This is a self-pity/bitch post.

I know I tend to over-dramatize, so I'm going to try hard not to do that with this.

I feel completely panic-stricken when I think about finishing school.

I have so many things to do before I can finish that it's gotten to the point where I feel utterly overwhelmed and paralyzed. I can't explain this. I have absolutely never felt this way before.

I can't even tell you how many times I've been all, "I QUIT" this week.

I don't feel intimidated...or scared. People get degrees everyday. And if I wasn't capable of doing this, my committee would have put the kibosh on it already (they're all too busy to bother patronizing me, is my point). It's like...I have everything set up to finish, I just have to do it, which is the hardest part, right? I have a committee (that process was a heart attack in itself), exam dates, paper drafts, bibliography drafts, weekly freak-out sessions with my colleagues, an independent study, and a million style guides. But I just don't feel prepared. There is nothing that freaks me out more than being unprepared. And this is pretty much my worst-case scenario realized. Scratch that, it's too dramatic, but yes, I am officially freaking out.

Worst part is, I know what I need to do, have everything set up to get it done, know I have to do it, but I just can't focus. I've felt so overwhelmed the last few days that I wasn't able to do anything over the weekend. I actually even considered having everything canceled and telling everyone to forget it because I changed my mind and don't want to do it anymore. But...I know that if I get this close and don't try my hardest, I'll probably regret it. Getting my degree isn't even the goal for me anymore. Getting into the program, getting here, and getting Seth here and making it all work together was what was important to me. I think my goal for coming out here was to break out and do something new, and school has always been sort of my safe haven so coming here for school seemed like a great plan. Too bad it was way harder than I ever imagined and totally kicked my ass. Getting a job is my new goal.

Should also mention that I originally planned to finish my exams next fall or this summer, but all three of my committee members will be on sabbatical in the fall. And they're also all serving on a ton of committees this quarter because so many people are graduating.

Anyway..... /bitchfest. I'm being so whiny and that's totally not what I need to do. I just need to get it together. OH and nevermind that work was a total crazyfest last week. It was the deadline for graduating seniors to register to graduate and they alllll wait until the very last week, and so I had a ton of people coming in everyday to get their stuff printed and signed (plus making sure all their courses and requirements were actually done). /rant for real.

Edit: I'm also trying to avoid school so hard that I'm totally projecting energy into all these other parts of my life. See: my kitchen has never been cleaner, and I'm simultaneously planning a trip to Mexico, polishing my resume, and picking fights with Seth. gah.