I love sex.
I'm 24 years old, and I finally feel like I'm at an age where I can say that, and people will (a) take it seriously and (b) not judge me for it.
I've always loved sex. I've been having sex since I was sixteen. If a sixteen year old says they love sex, it's like, "yeah right, you poor misguided girl with low self-esteem." (Sixteen year olds are wracked with insecurities anyway. You could make the case that sex makes things more complicated. For me, it was definitely not the most destructive choice I made as a teen. But guess what, I turned out awesome. I made a ton of decisions that built and guided my identity during those formative years, and sex was probably one of the most inconsequential of those, in retrospect.) I'm not saying it's for everyone, or there's a "right" age to start, or if you don't like sex you're weird. Sex doesn't mean the same thing to every person; that's my point.
I also believe that no matter what (legal) age you are, sex will empower you if you let it. Sex builds trust, between two people and in yourself. Sex should never be used as a weapon.
I love sex, but I'm also extremely lucky to have only had good sex in my life. Really. I don't know that I've ever had "bad" sex. I mean I've had awkward sex, and embarrassing sex, and some downright hilarious sex, but nothing that I would call "bad." But I will say, I love sex more now than ever. For a variety of reasons. I'm older, I'm more independent than I've ever been, and I have an amazing relationship with someone who also digs me, and sex (and digs me digging sex).
I prefer monogamous sex. By far. Being monogamous is best for me, because it's just more reassuring and takes some of the insecurities out of it that would otherwise detract from the overall experience. But that's a personal preference.
People don't like to talk about sex. They always focus on the negative effects...AIDS...abortion. Pregnancy is never a negative effect, only unwanted pregnancy. And only unwanted pregnancy when it leads to abortion. Because despite all the progress made for a sexual liberation, it all boils down to abortion. Abortion will still be a huge issue, even when gay rights is a thing of the past.
Saving your sex for marriage is a bad idea. Unless you are a truly truly deeply spiritual person whose love for their god is your primary guiding principle, in ALL of your life. I mean truly spiritual, not just a sunday school southern baptist kid with a guilt complex. If you're the kind of girl who makes out with everyone at a frat party (guys AND girls), shows your tits to your friends' boyfriends, and drink and curse like a sailor, jesus probably isn't going to be falling all over himself in gratitude because you didn't let your boyfriend "stick it in" before you got the ring. Don't act like your religion is doing anyone else any favors, least of all god, or jesus.
I'm doing my master's thesis work on the intersection of religion and sexuality so I guess that's why I'm thinking about this. It's not about exposing people who are hypocrites (because I mean, who isn't?). It's more about how sex and religion directly clash, and how we fight those conflicts within ourselves. Can we be sexually AND spiritually fulfilled? Most people can't, without some profound inner struggle (if ever). It's easy for me because I'm a huge proponent of sexual freedom, and (like most scholars) don't have a system of religious beliefs. Most people feel like they can't have the best of both worlds. But why not? If you live the rest of your life without religious scruples, why does sex have to be different? Is that the line we're not supposed to cross? Or conversely, why do we scoff at religious people who are really conservative, but still enjoy sex (before marriage, or in any deviant way)?
Thinking about this makes me feel full of contradictions, and I'm really not the type to tell other people how to live. This is about sorting out motivations and matching them with consequences. Like I said, since I'm not religious, this might be a challenge to me, and I feel like I'm missing a huge part of the puzzle.
6 comments:
Have you read Sex God? I'm just curious. Someone gave it to me and Chris before we got married and we didn't read it all but its supposed to be about sexuality and spirituality.
Sounds like a kinky wedding present...jk.
Actually, thanks for the heads-up. I just looked it up and wish-listed it on amazon. It looks pretty interesting. Coincidentally, my department head LOVES Rob Bell, so maybe this will get me brownie points if I add it to my book list. ha ha. Thanks!!
I love that you wrote about this. I, too, started young (15 years old) but I have to say it was an excellent experience and one that I learned a lot from, in good ways. But you're absolutely right about this kind of freedom clashing with religion--I felt guilty for years.
I'm glad you agree. I didn't know that about you! ha ha we totally could have been talking about this back in the day! I was first among my closest friends, for sure (that I knew of).
I had some guilt for a while too, even though I wasn't religious. It was more like, I would be disappointed if my parents found out. But in a way that was good because I was ALWAYS super careful. Like...if they knew about the sex it would be one thing but if they found out because I was pregnant, I would be DEAD.
I love that you wrote about this too! I think that a lot of women who were brought up in religious households battle with this deep conflict (I know I did) and no one ever talks about it. We all end up fighting these crazy battles inside of us. I agree that sex before marriage is smart (if done in a smart way), but it took me forever to come to terms with my decision to do that. I felt so guilty even though I was a grown adult and relatively late bloomer to being sexually active (I was 20). But so glad to know that it's not just me battling it.
And I have totally come to terms with my spirituality and sexuality, so I can't wait to hear what your research turns up. Great topic.
Yeah, like a lot of sex just has guilt attached to it, and we forget the good stuff. I guess we can't tell teenagers that sex is ALL good, because that's irresponsible. I'm still sorting this whole thing out, so I think it would be interesting to see what other people have said about it..
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